March 15, 2011 
Last night, you said I was the transit authority to your bus lane. Your cruelty reduced me to tears. It was hurtful, to say the least, but I chose to let it go.
But when you shouted after me into the cold night air, your words slapping my ears like day-old trout, that I’ve never been more than the James Cameron to your Spielberg - you crossed the line. I tried my best to think of how successful Titanic was (commercially at least); but you and I both know, there was enough room on that door for Leonardo and I can never forgive Kate for that.
So let me answer by saying – you are the Hugh Grant to my Sense and Sensibility; the Cher to my good taste; the expiry date to my cheese.
I will never forget the time we shared in Copacabana but at some point I need to say to you, there isn’t enough pineapple in the world. You were once the Carmen to my Miranda but the flame has undeniably burnt out, like a sparkler grasped too tightly in a chubby five-year-old hand. You will always be my first love; the one who taught me that musical theatre does have a point and that, while Jack Black can’t act, he’s still really funny.
Thank you for that. (No thanks for the tattoo of Popeye in drag, or my now immovable devotion to Andy Griffith. I suppose, some scars last a lifetime).
Please know that red is maroon without you.
You will always be, my Matlock.
Forever yours (not really), xxx
You have such a way with words, so original, will come back for more, love this —> ‘you are the Hugh Grant to my Sense and Sensibility; the Cher to my good taste; the expiry date to my cheese.’…
more letters!
Wucca, wucca! I laughed out loud when I read “but you and I both know, there was enough room on that door for Leonardo and I can never forgive Kate for that.” Know something else irritating about that too-damn-long movie? Why, when he’s dragging her through the ship to supposed safety, does Jack have to keep repeating her name? It’s not like anyone else is running with them! “Rose, this way.” “Run, rose.” “Over here, Rose.” “Duck, Rose.” If I could stand to watch it another time, I would count them just so I can prove I’m right! ;-)
Crack up, friggin gold. So true! Fucking James Cameron and his fucking sinking romance movie. He puts the tit in Titanic.
hahaha! love it.
This is better than Mad Libs!
Matlock.
Wucca, wucca, wucca.