July 8, 2011 
I’m as sick as a dog, man. I look like Snuffal-fucking-uffagus. Or Jeff Goldblum in The Fly – my body slowly disintegrating as I transform from human to insect.
(Pause for trauma and flashback to: the fingernail scene. Ewww.)
I suppose this makes you Geena Davis, the witness to my festy - someone who moderately cares but will ultimately leave me, if my appendages don’t stop falling off.
Before you go, let me take a moment to depict just how disgusting I’ve become. I have Britney Spears neck because my glands are so swollen (seriously, that girl looks like a pro-wrestler, it’s as thick as her head) and my sinuses are now manic depressive, one minute flowing like Dylan lyrics and the next, becoming more clogged than a Dutch folk dance.
Such was my desperation, last night I googled home remedies and the recommendation came back: squeeze the ju-ice (to be said like Pauly Shore) of a spring onion into thy nasal cavity. Job done. Fortuitous then, that I didn’t have any spring onions in the house.
In the space of a day, societal conventions have all but broken down. I’ve become a Gollum cave-dwelling creature who cowers from the light through yonder window break and calls the delivery boy “precious”. Occasionally, I’ll limp into the next room to make tea, leaving a trail of used tissues in my wake (like a festy mucus-Gretel marking the path back to good health).
Any semblance of my former self was irrevocably lost early this morning (during a barrage of twitter nightmares) and I now resemble my hermit uncle living amidst piled dishes, tissues and discarded clothes (though at least I have floorboards, yo).
How did it take only 24 hours to reach this level of debauchery? Is that all the time it takes to become culturally homeless?
such deliciously literate self drama. even as festering mass of contagion you’re still delightful.
Wuccadoodies, thank you kind sir.
Hate being sick! Recently got over a bad one. Got some pretty rad fever dreams though
Sounds like the same feeling!
http://coevworld.wordpress.com/2011/07/13/a-brush-with-death-ian-v-sickness/
I feel your pain. I am sick as I type. HATE.
Just stopped by from the SITS Comment Hour; yes I know, this is a different post–just wondering how I caught your germs from way over here! You are hilarious! Thanks for the laughter–it always helps.
I really needed the laugh 2nite. #commenthour
You have me laughing so much that all of my co-workers probably think I’m insane. The next time I have a cold, I’m pretty sure I will imagine my nose “flowing like Dylan lyrics.”
OMG, you have me peeing in my pants, yo. Hope you are feeling better :)
Cracks, thanks Dalai!