Festy like an armpit in June.

My bus to work is like a moving asylum that doubles as a taxi service. I love living in large cities for the very reason they proffer up all kinds of weirdos (they add colour and save humans from becoming rote), but all city folk know Survival Rule No 1: avoid eye contact and keep the […]

Don’t skid mark my undies, man.

The cool kids at work, a guy and girl, are six feet tall and wander in each morning like a couple of gunslingers who don’t care if the sheriff is in or not. They only shoot finger guns, but it’s all the same to me. They’re high on espresso and ambition, while I’m akin to […]

You people make my ass twitch.

I’m not a morning person. As in, waking up for me is like emerging from a heavy coma. I envy morning people, they walk in the light. Their Saturday mornings seem happy places, filled with productive hours and morning papers; their Mondays a time to exchange Disney anecdotes about their light-filled weekends. Barf. I, on […]

Like a fat kid loves cake.

Much like Robert Downey Jr, movies will always my greatest love. But not unlike Charlie Sheen (apologies for the conceptual whiplash), there’s another goddess dear to my heart – the eighties. There are films I watch prolifically, like an alcoholic watches the gin bottle, and my mainstays are invariably from the eighties; movies such as […]

Wedged in the bum crack of boredom.

The clouds outside my window are perfect, suspended puff-balls. They look like the clouds in Pixar films, or like the cloud Monkey Magic used to ride on (still jealous). This leads me to tell you that I am bored on a scale unimaginable to the average postal worker; where the concept of stabbing my eyeball […]