Random thoughts which peppered my head today:
Sometimes I find myself eating like The Kid in Dick Tracy. As I was never an orphan starved of love or food, I have no explanation for this.
I had a nightmare last night where men were trying to kill me, but I was saved by the motherlovin’ Olsen twins. I awoke with a shout, like an old man the moment he steps into a cold bath.
I hate supermarkets. Why is it, when someone walks behind a shopping trolley, they suddenly start moving like a granny who just crapped her shorts? It’s a military exercise, people. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Cockroaches piss me off with their audacity. If they walk around in front of me, it’s like. Dude. I’m right here.
How do movie stars stay pretty when crying their eyes out? When I ball, my nostrils quiver like a virgin on prom night and my eyes swell like over-cooked conchiglie. How ya like them apples, McConaughey?
I hate people who exit an elevator like they’re landing on the moon, all wonderment and caution. What the frik?
Never trust a man with a moustache. It’s possible Hitler ruined it for everyone but I’m sorry, you either look like an evil dictator or a 70s porn star. The only exception to this rule is Magnum PI. Learn to deal.