You’re an adult. Just cope.

I’m as sick as a dog, man. I look like Snuffal-fucking-uffagus. Or Jeff Goldblum in The Fly – my body slowly disintegrating as I transform from human to insect.

(Pause for trauma and flashback to: the fingernail scene. Ewww.)

I suppose this makes you Geena Davis, the witness to my festy – someone who moderately cares but will ultimately leave me, if my appendages don’t stop falling off.

Before you go, let me take a moment to depict just how disgusting I’ve become. I have Britney Spears neck because my glands are so swollen (seriously, that girl looks like a pro-wrestler, it’s as thick as her head) and my sinuses are now manic depressive, one minute flowing like Dylan lyrics and the next, becoming more clogged than a Dutch folk dance.

Such was my desperation, last night I googled home remedies and the recommendation came back: squeeze the ju-ice (to be said like Pauly Shore) of a spring onion into thy nasal cavity. Job done. Fortuitous then, that I didn’t have any spring onions in the house.

In the space of a day, societal conventions have all but broken down. I’ve become a Gollum cave-dwelling creature who cowers from the light through yonder window break and calls the delivery boy “precious”. Occasionally, I’ll limp into the next room to make tea, leaving a trail of used tissues in my wake (like a festy mucus-Gretel marking the path back to good health).

Any semblance of my former self was irrevocably lost early this morning (during a barrage of twitter nightmares) and I now resemble my hermit uncle living amidst piled dishes, tissues and discarded clothes (though at least I have floorboards, yo).

How did it take only 24 hours to reach this level of debauchery? Is that all the time it takes to become culturally homeless?

Published by the wuc

I'm a chick living in Australia, working for the man. I hate office work with a passion usually reserved for James Cameron, but somehow I ended up with a career behind a desk, stapling my forehead at random intervals.

75 thoughts on “You’re an adult. Just cope.

  1. “I have Britney Spears neck because my glands are so swollen (seriously, that girl looks like a pro-wrestler, it’s as thick as her head).”
    Very funny! I hope recovered quickly!

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