the wuc bytes – the rock | guarding tess

Can I just say: what the fuck happened to Nicholas Cage.

I mean, really.

Once upon a Cage age, I would feast upon his flicks like a rabid dog upon Celine Dion. Oh, how I loved his Moonstruck madness and Valley Girl moves. (Like, for sure.) And as a longtime lover of action movies and sweet-ass rides, I have loved The Rock for its patriotic poppycock, magnified machismo and wonderbar wuccadoodies. Ipso facto:

What kind of fucked up tour is this?!

Blessed be thee Rock. Hallowed be thy high-octane thrills.

But in the blink of an eye (wouldn’t do that if I were you), Cage turned into a crazy wild-eyed old man. And not in a loveable Doc Brown kinda way, neither. More like someone performed a rustic lobotomy on him while he slumbered on ketamine and jelly beans, only for him to awake with cheekbones higher than Rihanna’s undies and his wherewithal erased.

I’d be sad about it, really I would. But such sadness is generally reserved for the demise of Taylor Swift’s dalliances (pick a card, any card) and the fact the 80s are indelibly done.

Actually, strike that. Still unconvinced on the latter.

I guess this aged Cage (aka Ca-ged) is what ego looks like once youth has dropped its dazzling disguise (only ever on loan) (despite the deluge of dysmorphia and denial sweeping LA) and all we’re left with is a veritable lunch wagon of regurgitated revenge flicks – as unfathomable and interchangeable as the Mad Hatter’s undies collection.

But, hey now. Let us mourn the salad days no more, my friends. Instead, let our sign off be salubrious in show. Herewith, the first ever BYTES double bill and a classic: Guarding Tess. Much like Clint Eastwood, this movie is gentle in its genius (if you can call a 44 magnum ‘gentle’) and celebrates a time when Nicky-boy brought many a wucca my way.

Meanwhile, in cutting this clip, I’ve inadvertently snap-shot the regnant relationship I share with my soon-to-be-ex boss. Also known as: the noxious nelly who recently tossed me overboard. In case you’re wondering where I stand in said metaphor: I once was the secret service agent catering to her every whim but, now meet my end as Le Sueur baby peas …

“We’ve lost in interest in peas. Repeat: lost interest in peas. Canned goods, out.”

About the wuc

I'm a chick living in Australia, working for the man. I hate office work with a passion usually reserved for James Cameron, but somehow I ended up with a career behind a desk, stapling my forehead at random intervals.

10 Responses to “the wuc bytes – the rock | guarding tess”

  1. Has the Wuc aged or the Cage aged? He HAS been taking roles of older men, perhaps wisely. He was in a romance couple of days ago on TV where he talks the beautiful I am leaving on a jet plane lady into staying with a soliloquy description of everything that will happen to them if she stays, and . . . she does.

  2. Fantastic to see you are still here, and occasionally dropping by to share insights with us commoners.
    My life too has been turned upside down and wrenched inside out by some sort of rather violent providence inspector, over the past 2 years.
    “My records say that the Kismet department gave you the tiniest taste of what a sliver of hope might look like, when viewed from a great distance… What have you DONE WITH IT!??”
    I might be overreacting.
    Still, I can’t tell you how pleased I was to see that you are still ticking.

    Keep going.

  3. Cage uncaged? Things do have their season, wuc. Jimmy Kirk was so 60s. Maybe Nicky Cage is just so 80s.

    And I can only imagine what being an A-star does to someone. He’s one of those people who, if you know actors at all — that is, if you don’t live in Plato’s old cave long after everyone else left — you know the name N. Cage. That’s A-List, baby!

  4. No one else could have captured the mania of Raising Arizona the way he did. But I agree – I don’t know if he decided to become his own caricature, or what, but it went from “see anything he’s in, unless told otherwise” to “Avoid, unless told otherwise.”

  5. Frozen Ground (also starring a magnificently creepy John Cusack) is definitely worth the watch. And check out ‘Joe’ because Cage was dead on in this performance. I was actually moved (and reminded of various relatives…hah.)

    • Wow, okay! Doubly convinced to give Frozen Ground a try, thanks SK. (You had me at Cusack.) Maybe it aint Cage, just the movies he’s choosing (these ones notwithstanding)?

  6. ~REBECCA DAWN~ Reply April 8, 2015 at 19:20

    Nicolas cage indie movies are good.
    Frozen Ground for instance.
    Trespass.
    And frankly I really liked him in drive angry
    😁

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