I’m Fred. I like tacos and ’71 Cabernet.

Random thoughts which peppered my head today: I hate it when movies purposefully pluck my heartstrings. Like fucking Beaches, with Hershey slowly succumbing at the fucken seashore. Pluck elsewhere, people. I made a new acquaintance today. He was bald and sweet, with a naïve view of the world. [Disclaimer: it was not a newborn baby.]Continue reading “I’m Fred. I like tacos and ’71 Cabernet.”

Look to me in my eyeball.

Random thoughts which peppered my head today: Love songs are like a tepid bath. They may start out warm and comforting; but really, you’re just languishing in crap. Why is Sarah Silverman popular? I prefer silent Snoopy. My average week is akin to Zallinger’s March of Progress, in reverse. Mondays, I’m a Darwinian dream. Come Friday, I’mContinue reading “Look to me in my eyeball.”

Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.

Random thoughts which peppered my head today: I dreamt that Stephen Fry asked me to live with him, to make pale British love and give heterosexuality a red-hot go. It was a confusing time. For both of us, baby. Why were the seventies so goddamn brown? Anyone? I once had some dude travel an hourContinue reading “Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.”

The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet.

Random thoughts which peppered my head today: I didn’t know it was possible to injure one’s cleavage but have discovered that, yes. If red-hot coffee is poured upon it … it will scream in pain like a thwarted gnome. Humanity seems like a numbers game to me. Like it doesn’t matter how many of us are pickedContinue reading “The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet.”

The human torch was denied a bank loan.

Random thoughts which peppered my head today: Being a wannabe Snoop Dogg, I once said to my dad: “word to your muther, yo.” To which he replied, “come to think of it, I do need to have a word to my mother.” Today in the lift, I missed my floor due to pondering Ryan Reynolds’Continue reading “The human torch was denied a bank loan.”