who the wuc is sidewinder?

There’s a new villain in town. The mongrel offspring of Nurse Diesel and John Wayne (ergo Jugs Wayne), this fucker surpasses the gunslingers in one coup de swoop. With many a moniker made for such a mongrel, it’s difficult to aptly describe her brand of evil.

At best, she’s the sincerest of butt-holes. At worst, she’s a screamer.

And by screamer, I mean an automated set of rotating blades which lock onto your heat signature and attack from beneath (as depicted in the ’95 film starring Peter Weller) (to be sci-fi specific). The first model (the gunslinger) were rudimentary tools of torture. Detectable and easy to evade. But deep underground Sirius 6B, the screamer evolved and learned to look human. Indiscernible from a benevolent, bleeding biped – the Sidewinder was born.

We bonded my first week in the new gig. She was canny, captivating and outwardly human. Of course, it wasn’t long before flags of red spoke of dread. Brunch with the gunslingers. Golf with the miscreants of marketing (the likes of which even Gal Gun fears).

Oh yeah, and she’s one angry motherfucker (to be said Chris Rock).

Michael Richards, angry.
Angry Birds, angry.
Falling Down, angry.

Turns out, bonding at a conference is like forming friends in a hostage situation. Mostly you have desperation and proximity in common.

Also known as: Screamer and Jugs Wayne.

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